I Love Girls

I’m going to interrupt regularly scheduled programming (for those in the know, it’s Rainbow Dash Monday) because I just finished Katie Heaney’s, Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date, and I think it needs talked about.

My writing is affected by my reading. That’s no surprise to anyone anywhere, but it gets deeper than that. I start to think like the author writes. Like, yesterday I’m at storytime and a woman next to me is chewing gum like a cow. She doesn’t say hello, but she looks artsy and uber-cool. This is what happens in my daydream:

We eye-roll connect during ‘ten little fingers’ and she whispers ‘those Tevas are retro-awesome!’ She invites me to her friend’s gig (he’s the guitarist in a hipster band that plays on the ave every sunday) where I have a cigarette (oh my god this is so good it’s been forEVER!) and we bond over YA dementia and a devotion to 90s rock. There’s a cranberries/metallica mashup here wherein we try several activities together: riding horses, eating popcorn, derailing catcallers with a middle finger and a Laverne and Shirley swing-walk…She’ll be one of my bridesmaids, of course, and our kids will grow up and fall in love and get married and we’ll be two old biddies on a porch swing after the wedding–which will be on a ranch somewhere–smoking a joint and laughing about how it all started.

Evident psychoses aside, Heaney does a similar rendition of this upon seeing the tiniest hint of hotness in any guy anywhere. She’s painfully adorable in that I want so much to be her friend but I can’t because she’s too tall and I’d feel like an a-hole if we ever went shopping together. Also because she’s pretty famous and I’m not, so we’ll never meet. Whatever.

My point is that I fake fall in love with girls!!! Like, in the not sexual, I-want-to-pretend-that-I-hate-Forever21-with-her kind of way.

I always used to find myself agreeing with that stupid thing a lot of girls say–‘yeah, I don’t really like girls. My friends are always guys.’

But it’s not true! I love girls, and I miss having girlfriends. I was a student during the seriespocalypse: the drama trifecta–Dawson’s/Friends/Sex in the City. This sort of series-ending bonding is unmatchable. I don’t know what people do now. Is it How I Met Your Mother? Is that still something that people watch? I don’t know.

Anyway, how do you make girlfriends in your 30s? I tried mom groups, but they were weird. Or, fine–they thought I was weird.